I have been taking welbutrin for about three years. The only truly positive result of a bout of marriage counseling came with the arm-twisting necessary to get me to a psychiatrist, who promptly diagnosed me with clinical depression and I began taking little white pills. It doesn’t keep me from having ups and downs, but it keeps me from getting to that scary dark place where I spent far too many years.
One of the triggers for my depression is unemployment. It isn’t the problem of being alone (which I like), but that I feel unnecessary. I don’t feel like I contribute. Yes, I do a lot of things that no one else does and if I wasn’t doing them then several people’s lives would suffer. I know I contribute. I know I’m necessary. This is why my depression is clinical – it isn’t built on the facts of my life (though they can make it better or worse).
So I’ve been out of work since May. It gets harder and harder to fight off the downward pull. I do everything that helps – I exercise, manage my diet, don’t let myself dwell on the bad things that happen (present and past – which isn’t as easy as it sounds). I do the best I can to seek out joy and beauty and goodness, whenever and wherever I can.
For the most part, then, my depression doesn’t manifest itself as me sitting around and doing nothing, wiping my eyes with a tissue. It manifests itself as anger. I walk around on edge, almost like I’m looking for a reason to blow up. I tend to clench my teeth, as if I’m holding things in. And very often I am.
It is in times like this that I need, more than ever, to have my Goddess in control. I need Her control, because every bit of my control is used up in just getting through the day (it’s exhausting). When I am with Her, I can release that grip on everything and just…be.
I once saw a woman tell Richard Simmons, “I am food, and I have a problem with Wanda.” It was heartbreaking to hear, but sometimes I feel that is my relationship with depression. But I never feel like that when I am with Mistress Delila. I am me, and I don’t even have a problem with depression, because it is just a part of me. And She loves even that part.