Under the agreement that guides my relationship with Mistress, I am not allowed to masturbate, except under Her direction. Since we only get to see each other physically once a month or so, this means that She often directs my actions by phone. Because our lives are busy, I sometimes go several days (or weeks) without touching myself. I have learned to love these times of hunger building within me. While I have never been one to have erotic dreams, as my hunger grows, I often have erotic dreams about Her (and I have never dreamed of any other woman). For obvious reasons, I enjoy these.
This was the first part of our agreement, which has grown and evolved over time. It is, in my eyes, the foremost building block of what we have. I love every part of the…dance of this type of play. Often, but not always, I must beg for Her permission to stroke myself. She will always stop me several times at various stages of arousal. As anyone who has engaged in edging will affirm, the closer to orgasm I am when She stops me, the harder it is to stop…but it also makes it more intense and more meaningful. When She stops me, I will beg permission to continue, unless She forbids it. She often allows me to orgasm, because She enjoys hearing it (I tend to be a bit noisy…). But I love it just as much when She does not.
Every part of this flies in the face of stereotypical masculinity stereotypes. Even monogamous men in Western cultures are generally accepted to be in control – and especially in control of their sexual pleasure. Conventional Wisdom says that a man CANNOT control his actions during sexuality activity. He just loses control and pounds away until he’s done. Then he goes to sleep.
Beyond that, the idea that a grown man would beg is nearly anathema to the Western concept of manhood. That he would voluntarily enter a relationship with a woman who would not only make him beg, but enjoy it, would seem insane (and, in fact, it is only recently that BDSM activities ceased to be de facto markers of mental illness – like in that last decade).
Conventional Wisdom is wrong. Period.
Before I met Mistress Delila, I was pretty much at the mercy of my sexual desires. I spent considerable time (sometimes multiple hours per day) watching BDSM themed porn and masturbating. There is nothing inherently wrong with this, but it caused problems in my life. It helped ruin two marriages and it impacted my ability to get enough sleep so I could work effectively.
What I needed, of course, was a Dominant Woman to impose some control over me. Mistress Delila did this, and She slowly brought me from needing multiple orgasms per day to the point where I have gone longer than a month without any release. I suppose the fact that I was able to do this with Her constant supervision, and no physical restraint, indicates that I always had the capacity to control myself, but was lacking a reason. Mistress Delila, and Her love, as demonstrated through Her control of my sexuality, was that reason. Submitting to Her control granted me freedom from the chaos of my sexual urges. In other terms, I needed to be SUBMISSIVE to be a MAN and control my sexuality for the woman I love.
It is difficult for me to put into words what this means to me. When I met Mistress Delila, I had spent close to quarter of a century trying, and failing, to control my sexuality. I felt enslaved to my desires. I had begun to fear that I could never experience true intimacy because my most satisfying experience was with pixelated videos in the middle of the night. I had lost hope. When She told me that I would do what She wanted because She was better than porn, I just couldn’t believe it. She wouldn’t have said that, I told myself, if She really knew me.
But She was right, and She continues to be right.
It is difficult to have an adult-oriented online presence and not be exposed to pornography, but (somewhat surprisingly) it doesn’t tempt me. I see it, from time to time, but I do not consume it. I would rather remain hungry for months (gulp! did I really say that?) than to waste even one stroke of my cock without Her approval and to have that empty feeling of aloneness after doing so without Her.
I beg for other things from Her, but there is nothing that means as much to me as when I beg for permission to enjoy my body. For one thing, there is the implicit trust from Her that I have not cheated on our dynamic. Beyond that, it is an extremely vulnerable form of communication. It’s that stripping away of the facade and baring my deepest self to Her decisions. It is that I trust Her to decide what is best for me, and to be strong enough to resist the urge to simply give in because She loves me and I want something. It is putting myself into Her hands and under Her control as fully as I possibly can at that moment.
The edging shows my commitment to our dynamic. It shows that, even at the peak of physical pleasure – and, believe me, it is sometimes at the peak – I am strong enough to bend my will into obedience. It is the most personal and intimate sacrifice that I can make at that moment when I deny my body the release it so desperately wants and lie there panting and pleading for Her to just not stop…
She is teaching me that I do not need to get frantic about approaching my edge. If I can push down the physical urge to orgasm; then I can also let Her experience the passion in my voice that She loves so much and still remain in control of all of my behavior (thrashing legs, for example).
I look back at the above paragraph on Conventional Wisdom, and I just can’t believe how wrong it is. How could a man be stronger than to give everything because of love? How can he be more manly than when he reveals himself at his most vulnerable? How can a man even be a man if he cannot control the very sexuality that is gifted with his gender?
Submitting to Mistress Delila in this specific fashion has made me a stronger man, and it has built the most amazing love that I have ever given or received. If that isn’t masculine; then masculinity isn’t worth pursuing. Fortunately, I believe that it is worth pursuing and this is how I do it with the woman I love.